Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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