Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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