i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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