Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
