If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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