eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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