I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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