I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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