Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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