thus making me awesome and them whores
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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