She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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