So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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