Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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