fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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