Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
