I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
