he thought i was a dude.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
