I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
