shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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