Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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