this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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