dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
