its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
