Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Welp...herpes.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
