If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
he thought i was a dude.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
