A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
