Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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