Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Vodka?
Forever.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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