Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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