new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
