The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
