My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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