the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
