If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
