The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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