this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
