I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
