it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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