she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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