Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
