Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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