I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
