If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
