You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
