I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
