Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
