Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
