shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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