Pants 0. Shit 1.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Randomize
