Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
