he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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