oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
