I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
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